"This Doubt is Hindering You...."

Erik and Jesse are my friends.  They were lay youth pastors at one of the first churches I started attending regularly immediately after I left the Mormon faith.  We became friendly while attending a theology class, and we became as close as siblings over the course of the past year and a half.

We meet for lunch on ocassion.  I know they do this with the idea that they are "ministering" to me.  I do it because they are the only Christians I know that I can have an intelligent conversation with, and speak freely about my digust with christian culture in general as well as discussing christian theology without concern over offending them.  Additionally, they really are like brothers to me, and I always feel encouraged (not in the way Christians say they are) after having spent time with them.

Among other things, I discuss with them my correspondence with Pastor, and my uncertainty over returning to the "Endure" church.  Erik just laughs and jokingly says I like to pick fights.  He doesn't believe that is really what I am doing of course; I just think it astounds him that I would be so bold as to address issues I have with the church straight to the top, when most would rather whisper among themselves, or perhaps shrug it off.  (What good would that do really?)

Sometime over the course of the conversation, Erik addresses the issue of my doubt.  The gist of the message that he was trying to convey include that after having studied and considered the atheistic worldview, studied the history of (western) philosophical thought, having rejected them after seeing its flaws, after accepting, and not explaining away my "call" (which I will address another time), how much my doubts have hindered me from surrendering to the "reality" of Christ, accepting the Christian gospel as truth and most of all, anchor my life as if it depends on it.  This I cannot do.  This astounds him.

I tell him I've accepted that I cannot explain away the experience I've had (to be explained another time).  I just don't have the ability to fully accept and depend on the gospel as if my life depended on it.  There are too many things I cannot understand and explain, and I can't be foolish again.  I just can't.

Two images come to mind when I am trying to picture what it is that I have been feeling since parting away company with them.  One is of the man (described in Matthew) who was infected with Legion, the one who suffered for years being tormented by these demons.  And one of me in the middle of the thick, elastic part of a sling shot, drawn all the way back, as if I were ready to be propelled sharply in a premeditated direction, yet, I am still being held back, with a powerful force, and that force will not let me go.

A thought comes to mind when I ponder these images: 

"Do you want to be healed?". 

What does that mean?

I'm so very tired of this torment.  I'm overwhelming tired with carrying the weight of my doubt.

Christ and Idolatry

Before I get to the point of this particular blog entry, I want to give you some background information about my experience with Deutoronomy 6:4:

After reading the entire New Testament, I've decided to read the entire Old Testament (well, I've managed to read up to 1 Samuel).  There were several verses that struck me over the course of my reading, and the first one that hit me hard was Deutoronomy 6:4. This was a highly significant revelation given to the Israelites after having been freed from their Egyptian oppression.

I'm guessing my strong reaction to this particular verse may have happened because it revealed something about the nature of God that was so different from what has been taught to me as a Mormon (Mormons choose to believe that God was once a man, one of many that came before him, and as a result of living the "Mormon" gospel, he, as well as his fathers before him, became gods).  (By the way, someday, I'm going to address my reaction over having read John 1:1-4- talk about shock).

As soon as I read it for the first time, I had to highlight it.  This was something I have never considered during my "Mormon years", for obvious reasons.

Okay, now that I have that out of the way.....

As a result of taking Michael's offer to attend service at his synagogue, I've been attending Shabbat, as well as the Torah Services there for the last two weeks. One of the aspects of the service struck me, and it was the repeating (several times over the course of the services) of this phrase:

"Shema, Y'israel, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai echad"

Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.

And where is this phrase found?  Deutoronomy 6:4.

I've done some web research about this verse, and have learned that this is the first thing that is supposed to be said after a Jew wakes up, the last thing a Jew is supposed to say before they sleep, and, interestingly, the very last thing they say before they die. 

I was blown away by this.

After my lesson with Michael, I decided to ask him about the significance of the Shema.

Michael explained that it was to remind his people that there is only one God, and no other.  He added that he has tried to explain this to Christians in response to the question about why he doesn't believe in Jesus.  He explained to me that believing that Jesus is God goes against what Jews believe, as they believe in one God.  He also mentioned that he doesn't believe Jesus ever said anything about being God.  I had to bite my tongue and not say anything about what I've learned from the gospels,  especially about what Jesus was quoted as saying.  (And the Trinity thing?  Forget it.)  I didn't want to bring it up for fear of appearing as though I was being disrespectful.

I knew where he was going with this -- I felt it.  I've noticed that he was speaking indirectly out of concern over offending me, so I came right out and asked him if he believes that worshipping Jesus was a form of idolatry.  He simply looked at me and said nothing.

I was in shock.  It never occured to me that the worshipping of Jesus would be considered an anathema.

The revelation of his belief bothered me all day.