"This Doubt is Hindering You...."

Erik and Jesse are my friends.  They were lay youth pastors at one of the first churches I started attending regularly immediately after I left the Mormon faith.  We became friendly while attending a theology class, and we became as close as siblings over the course of the past year and a half.

We meet for lunch on ocassion.  I know they do this with the idea that they are "ministering" to me.  I do it because they are the only Christians I know that I can have an intelligent conversation with, and speak freely about my digust with christian culture in general as well as discussing christian theology without concern over offending them.  Additionally, they really are like brothers to me, and I always feel encouraged (not in the way Christians say they are) after having spent time with them.

Among other things, I discuss with them my correspondence with Pastor, and my uncertainty over returning to the "Endure" church.  Erik just laughs and jokingly says I like to pick fights.  He doesn't believe that is really what I am doing of course; I just think it astounds him that I would be so bold as to address issues I have with the church straight to the top, when most would rather whisper among themselves, or perhaps shrug it off.  (What good would that do really?)

Sometime over the course of the conversation, Erik addresses the issue of my doubt.  The gist of the message that he was trying to convey include that after having studied and considered the atheistic worldview, studied the history of (western) philosophical thought, having rejected them after seeing its flaws, after accepting, and not explaining away my "call" (which I will address another time), how much my doubts have hindered me from surrendering to the "reality" of Christ, accepting the Christian gospel as truth and most of all, anchor my life as if it depends on it.  This I cannot do.  This astounds him.

I tell him I've accepted that I cannot explain away the experience I've had (to be explained another time).  I just don't have the ability to fully accept and depend on the gospel as if my life depended on it.  There are too many things I cannot understand and explain, and I can't be foolish again.  I just can't.

Two images come to mind when I am trying to picture what it is that I have been feeling since parting away company with them.  One is of the man (described in Matthew) who was infected with Legion, the one who suffered for years being tormented by these demons.  And one of me in the middle of the thick, elastic part of a sling shot, drawn all the way back, as if I were ready to be propelled sharply in a premeditated direction, yet, I am still being held back, with a powerful force, and that force will not let me go.

A thought comes to mind when I ponder these images: 

"Do you want to be healed?". 

What does that mean?

I'm so very tired of this torment.  I'm overwhelming tired with carrying the weight of my doubt.

Christ and Idolatry

Before I get to the point of this particular blog entry, I want to give you some background information about my experience with Deutoronomy 6:4:

After reading the entire New Testament, I've decided to read the entire Old Testament (well, I've managed to read up to 1 Samuel).  There were several verses that struck me over the course of my reading, and the first one that hit me hard was Deutoronomy 6:4. This was a highly significant revelation given to the Israelites after having been freed from their Egyptian oppression.

I'm guessing my strong reaction to this particular verse may have happened because it revealed something about the nature of God that was so different from what has been taught to me as a Mormon (Mormons choose to believe that God was once a man, one of many that came before him, and as a result of living the "Mormon" gospel, he, as well as his fathers before him, became gods).  (By the way, someday, I'm going to address my reaction over having read John 1:1-4- talk about shock).

As soon as I read it for the first time, I had to highlight it.  This was something I have never considered during my "Mormon years", for obvious reasons.

Okay, now that I have that out of the way.....

As a result of taking Michael's offer to attend service at his synagogue, I've been attending Shabbat, as well as the Torah Services there for the last two weeks. One of the aspects of the service struck me, and it was the repeating (several times over the course of the services) of this phrase:

"Shema, Y'israel, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai echad"

Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.

And where is this phrase found?  Deutoronomy 6:4.

I've done some web research about this verse, and have learned that this is the first thing that is supposed to be said after a Jew wakes up, the last thing a Jew is supposed to say before they sleep, and, interestingly, the very last thing they say before they die. 

I was blown away by this.

After my lesson with Michael, I decided to ask him about the significance of the Shema.

Michael explained that it was to remind his people that there is only one God, and no other.  He added that he has tried to explain this to Christians in response to the question about why he doesn't believe in Jesus.  He explained to me that believing that Jesus is God goes against what Jews believe, as they believe in one God.  He also mentioned that he doesn't believe Jesus ever said anything about being God.  I had to bite my tongue and not say anything about what I've learned from the gospels,  especially about what Jesus was quoted as saying.  (And the Trinity thing?  Forget it.)  I didn't want to bring it up for fear of appearing as though I was being disrespectful.

I knew where he was going with this -- I felt it.  I've noticed that he was speaking indirectly out of concern over offending me, so I came right out and asked him if he believes that worshipping Jesus was a form of idolatry.  He simply looked at me and said nothing.

I was in shock.  It never occured to me that the worshipping of Jesus would be considered an anathema.

The revelation of his belief bothered me all day.

"The Problem with Christians....."

".........is the approach to reading of the Tanakh with the idea that every word is infallible, the people referenced real, and every single word to be true."  This was Michael's response to me after sharing with him that the stories written in the Tanakh was one of several factors that have kept me from embracing atheism.  "What difference does it make if they are true or not?  What matters is that they are there to teach us something about how to live our lives."

One can say the same thing about "The Secret".  But I did'nt share that with him.

One of the other things he's mentioned about the flaws in the Christian approach to interpreting Old Testament scripture was the lack of access to commentaries used by revered Jewish scholars as a primary tool in interpreting scripture.  Michael says it's the commentaries that matter more than the text itself.

That's where he lost me.

Learning Hebrew

Ma Kore!

I've taken a Hebrew language class last semester, which I rather enjoyed, but didn't get out of it all what I had hoped. Sure, I've learned the alphabet, a lot of phrases, and a song here and there, I just wish the class had a more systematic approach to teaching us (the instructors jump around alot). That said, I'm grateful for what I've learned, and am continuing to learn.

What's been equally as great about being in the class is the comraderie I have with the Jewesses in the class. Truth be told, I wondered how they would accept me, being one of two "shiksas" in the group; but over time, after understanding my heart and my intent behind learning the language, they've loosened up, and have actually enjoyed my questions, my enthusiam for the language, and the speed with which I was learning. I've actually won one of the more suspicious girls in the class after she found out that I read the "Jerusalem Post", and kept abreast of what's going on in Israel (don't ask me why I read it, I'm just drawn to it for some odd reason...).

This semester, I've decided to hire a tutor to fill in the blanks; the areas not being covered in class. He's a cantor at the local synagogue whose local clientele consists of children needing to go over their prayers, among other things, in preparation for their bar/bat mitzvah. He seemed suspicious about why someone like me would be interested in learning Hebrew. After explaining it to him, he seemed to lower the wall he's put up between him and me. Well, at least, a couple of brinks, anyway.

Last week was my first lesson with Michael. I was taken aback when he neither opened the screen door for me, nor extended a hand to shake in greeting. Is that a cultural thing? Or is he just rude? *shrugging shoulders*

Anyway, I've been enjoying his explanations about the liguistic patterns of Hebrew, its origins, and other interesting aspects about the language he freely shares. I appreciate this, as I've always known that there is more to a language than just phonics, words, sentences (Americans in general see nothing beyond this when learning a language. They are often too arrogant to care about its people and what's important to them, a reason why they remain monolingual). Understanding the language as taught by the person connected to it by way of birth, culture, etc. brings a full understanding of the intent behind what is being said, and I would rather get that knowledge first hand, than from some WASP-ish instructor at a "bible college".

I'm pretty excited about getting the help I need. I'm on my way to my ultimate goal - to be able to read the Tanakh in Hebrew.

"You should also learn modern Hebrew, and take a trip to Israel someday." Michael tells me.

I know, but first things first.

Moving from Tumblr to Blogger

Dear Readers,

Oh, how very few, but mighty you are! Yes, you have reached the blog authored by the aforementioned author of my Tumblr blog. I have had to make the move to blogger for two reasons: ease of accessibility as well as the ability to receive comments from members and non-members of either google or followers of the blog, which basically means, anyone can get in on the discussion related to the topics I've covered.

I have since transferred the last two blog entries I've posted on my Tumblr onto this blog (I have not decided as of yet what I will do with the other entries). I could not, however, transfer the comments made, but no matter, there will be opportunities to comment on future posts if you wish. Regardless of the outcome, I will continue to write for my core audience - me.

So, off I go with my continued cathartic exercise, and if you wish to come along, I welcome all!

Yours in "truth" (whatever that may be),

"Sophia"

Thoughts about "Worship": "Music" that is...

For the many of you "unchurched" (as many are in the age of "Postmodernism" - May God help us all...), the term, "worship" may be unfamiliar to you. The term may also be unfamiliar among "Mainline", more "formal" congregations who have a traditional approach to music in the church, like say, Southern Baptists (the only denomination who appear to give a damn anymore about upholding biblical standards in dress, (value and) approach to bible study, church government, family values, and in this case, music.

The following contains a description of a great many observations made in a great many churches, as well as observations made while being part of many groups within the music ministry, as well as reporting what has been disclosed to me regarding music ministry by others on the "inside".

"Worship" occurs during the first half hour of a Christian church service. It usually involves the singing of contemporary "worship" songs designed to lull its congregation into a somewhat vegatative state in preparation of having to endure the "pablum" that is spiritual teaching given by a somewhat attractive, somewhat charismatic, yet theologically underveloped Man Child that is Pastor.

Some, or many in any given congregation are inclined to (and very likely, conditioned to) sway side to side, while raising their hands, and keeping their eyes closed while they are singing. Some will have a strained look on their face as if they are about to be "relieved" of something, or yearning to be "relieved" of something (that is as far as I will go with this theme, I'll leave the rest to your imagination).

This kind of "music" is accompanied live by electric guitars, bass, drums, electronic keyboard, and maybe a sax or some other ungodly loud and obnoxious instrument seemingly at odds with the supposed intent of the music. The "worship team" ("Christianese" for live band) are led by a musician, devoid of the exceptional musical talent, aesthetically pleasing looks, or social and/or political skills to make it as a musician in the secular world. These men usually comfort themselves of their failures to attain musical success in the outside world by trying to convince others, and most of all, themselves, that they are doing what they are doing for "The Lord". I am not fooled by this by any stretch of the imagination. I've observed that these men (often with Peter Pan complexes) have never recovered from the lust of wanting to be a "rock star", and doing it for "The Lord" is the closest thing to being a rock star they will ever come to achieving said status.

Success within the "Christian Biodome" is easy, as musical tastes are provincial at best, and with the security that comes with continual opportunity to perform also relieves them of the pressure of getting any better at their craft, as musical arrangements rarely change, and all songs of this genre pretty much sound the same. The rest of the "Worship Team" consists of young, sexually desirable (or as they say in Hollywood, "f#@able") thin, scantily clad (or tightly clothed) young women with nominal vocal ability. Vocal ability is not as important a quality to remain on the "worship team" as the first three qualities listed is valued most. They remain valued members of the team until they get fat through either childbearing or succumbing to the illusion of security that comes with marriage, or, dare I say, commit the worst sin of all - getting - or even worse, looking - OLD. The only exception to this rule is when it involves the spouse or close family member of either the head pastor or an influential member of the pastoral staff. In this case, the rest of the team (as well as the congregation) resign to tolerating this usually talentless lot and pretend to enjoy their shrill, tonally challenged (at best) vocal stylings.

The rest of the supporting cast include a motley crew of background musicians who are generally above and beyond more musically talented (and likely, can actually read sheet music but have to endure the leader's chord charts) than the "worship leader". These men (women - don't even think about considering...) are relegated to supporting roles on the "team" because they are often less attractive and/or significantly older and/or (relatively) less charismatic than the shorter, heavier, balding, worship leader (who has a penchant to wearing "Weezer" and "Green Day" shirts, as if that gives him any credibility, and wears way too much gel used to make his hair stand straight up from his head, as if this will fool anyone into believing that he still has hair).

The songs' lyrical content usually consist of expressions of romantic love one would sing to a lover, except the "lover" is replaced with "Jesus". I heard a pastor once referred to this music as "Jesus is my girlfriend" music. That pretty much sums it up for me. (I should add that 'Endure' church is the exception - lyrical content to songs chosen are heavy with theological teaching).

My impression of the primary purpose of the traditional writing and singing of hymns in church was to introduce, as well as reinforce, theological teachings and concepts to the congregation. What was once a tool for teaching has now become a rock show consisting of love songs designed to affirm the illusion of security to the "believer" that "It is Well" with their souls (a song you are not likely hear in a contemporary worship service, by the way), especially if participating in the "theatre" of "worship" in and of itself will "save" them from hell.