Thoughts about "Worship": "Music" that is...

For the many of you "unchurched" (as many are in the age of "Postmodernism" - May God help us all...), the term, "worship" may be unfamiliar to you. The term may also be unfamiliar among "Mainline", more "formal" congregations who have a traditional approach to music in the church, like say, Southern Baptists (the only denomination who appear to give a damn anymore about upholding biblical standards in dress, (value and) approach to bible study, church government, family values, and in this case, music.

The following contains a description of a great many observations made in a great many churches, as well as observations made while being part of many groups within the music ministry, as well as reporting what has been disclosed to me regarding music ministry by others on the "inside".

"Worship" occurs during the first half hour of a Christian church service. It usually involves the singing of contemporary "worship" songs designed to lull its congregation into a somewhat vegatative state in preparation of having to endure the "pablum" that is spiritual teaching given by a somewhat attractive, somewhat charismatic, yet theologically underveloped Man Child that is Pastor.

Some, or many in any given congregation are inclined to (and very likely, conditioned to) sway side to side, while raising their hands, and keeping their eyes closed while they are singing. Some will have a strained look on their face as if they are about to be "relieved" of something, or yearning to be "relieved" of something (that is as far as I will go with this theme, I'll leave the rest to your imagination).

This kind of "music" is accompanied live by electric guitars, bass, drums, electronic keyboard, and maybe a sax or some other ungodly loud and obnoxious instrument seemingly at odds with the supposed intent of the music. The "worship team" ("Christianese" for live band) are led by a musician, devoid of the exceptional musical talent, aesthetically pleasing looks, or social and/or political skills to make it as a musician in the secular world. These men usually comfort themselves of their failures to attain musical success in the outside world by trying to convince others, and most of all, themselves, that they are doing what they are doing for "The Lord". I am not fooled by this by any stretch of the imagination. I've observed that these men (often with Peter Pan complexes) have never recovered from the lust of wanting to be a "rock star", and doing it for "The Lord" is the closest thing to being a rock star they will ever come to achieving said status.

Success within the "Christian Biodome" is easy, as musical tastes are provincial at best, and with the security that comes with continual opportunity to perform also relieves them of the pressure of getting any better at their craft, as musical arrangements rarely change, and all songs of this genre pretty much sound the same. The rest of the "Worship Team" consists of young, sexually desirable (or as they say in Hollywood, "f#@able") thin, scantily clad (or tightly clothed) young women with nominal vocal ability. Vocal ability is not as important a quality to remain on the "worship team" as the first three qualities listed is valued most. They remain valued members of the team until they get fat through either childbearing or succumbing to the illusion of security that comes with marriage, or, dare I say, commit the worst sin of all - getting - or even worse, looking - OLD. The only exception to this rule is when it involves the spouse or close family member of either the head pastor or an influential member of the pastoral staff. In this case, the rest of the team (as well as the congregation) resign to tolerating this usually talentless lot and pretend to enjoy their shrill, tonally challenged (at best) vocal stylings.

The rest of the supporting cast include a motley crew of background musicians who are generally above and beyond more musically talented (and likely, can actually read sheet music but have to endure the leader's chord charts) than the "worship leader". These men (women - don't even think about considering...) are relegated to supporting roles on the "team" because they are often less attractive and/or significantly older and/or (relatively) less charismatic than the shorter, heavier, balding, worship leader (who has a penchant to wearing "Weezer" and "Green Day" shirts, as if that gives him any credibility, and wears way too much gel used to make his hair stand straight up from his head, as if this will fool anyone into believing that he still has hair).

The songs' lyrical content usually consist of expressions of romantic love one would sing to a lover, except the "lover" is replaced with "Jesus". I heard a pastor once referred to this music as "Jesus is my girlfriend" music. That pretty much sums it up for me. (I should add that 'Endure' church is the exception - lyrical content to songs chosen are heavy with theological teaching).

My impression of the primary purpose of the traditional writing and singing of hymns in church was to introduce, as well as reinforce, theological teachings and concepts to the congregation. What was once a tool for teaching has now become a rock show consisting of love songs designed to affirm the illusion of security to the "believer" that "It is Well" with their souls (a song you are not likely hear in a contemporary worship service, by the way), especially if participating in the "theatre" of "worship" in and of itself will "save" them from hell.